Today, I want you to be particularly aware of narcissistic individuals in your life. These people often manipulate situations so that the outcomes always benefit them. They are masters at positioning themselves as either the victim or the hero in every story, making you feel like the bad guy or unworthy so that you comply with their demands. After being with them, you often end up feeling ashamed or guilty, making it difficult to stand your ground.
Please Note that these behaviors aren’t confined to romantic relationships. You might notice them in any kind of relationship—whether it’s with a partner, a parent, a friend, or even a colleague or a neighbor. Narcissistic traits can show up in any dynamic, and it’s crucial to recognize them, no matter the relationship context.
Here are some clear signs that something is off
• Shame and Guilt: After interactions, you frequently feel belittled, ashamed, or guilty. This is often due to their skillful gaslighting—manipulating you into doubting yourself, and your choices, or diminishing your feelings.
• Affection and Gifts: Narcissistic individuals can also be incredibly charming and lovable, showering you with affection and gifts. They make you feel like the center of their universe, giving you just what you need for a brief moment. But don’t be fooled—it’s a tactic. They play on your needs, traumas, lack of confidence, and insecurities to keep you under their control.
• Leverage and Reminders: When things don't go their way, they will remind you of what they have done or bought for you, using it as leverage: “After all I did for you…” Let me tell you, if someone is always playing that guilt card with you or your kids, it’s a major red flag: they clearly didn't do it for you from their heart, there was a purpose to it: so... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
• Quick to Lock You In: Narcissists are often quick to push you into moving in with them, getting engaged, or marrying them, especially when they don't have another prey at hand. The more isolated you are, the tighter their grip becomes. They prefer to have you close, where their influence over you is strongest.
• Possessive Displays: The less confident they are, the more controlling and jealous they are. Their jealousy often manifests in possessive behaviors. They may publicly grab your hand, parade you around like a trophy, or insist on kissing you in front of others. This display is driven by their need to show the world that you belong to them. To you, it might feel like attention or care—after all, they’re willing to show you off—but in reality, it’s just another tactic to assert control and mark their territory.
• Constant Need for Praise: They always want to be the center of attention, craving praise and admiration. They expect you to constantly boost their ego, and when you don’t, they quickly turn cold or distant. Or even throw a tantrum.
• Lack of Empathy: Your feelings are eventually dismissed or treated as unimportant. They have little to no empathy. Your pain, struggles, or emotions don’t register with them. They are unable or unwilling to put themselves in your shoes, which leaves you feeling unheard, possibly abandoned, and uncared for. You might even start to believe that you are not lovable, or that there is something wrong with you.
• It’s Never Enough: Whatever you do, it’s never enough for them. Even when you achieve something significant, they dismiss your efforts as if it’s too difficult for them to acknowledge your success. For example, you might get a high grade or accomplish something you are proud of, only to hear, “Well, let’s see how long that lasts,” instead of a simple, “Well done.” This constant dismissal can leave you feeling like you’re always falling short, no matter how hard you try. Hard to be confident it this environment, right?
• Broken Promises: They often make promises but rarely follow through, unless there is something in it for them. This can be especially painful in relationships where you are counting on them to show up. They make commitments but often leave you disappointed when their promises turn out to be empty.
• Convenience Over Commitment and Support: When you need them, they often won’t show up if it’s not convenient for them. Their priorities always come first, and you are not one of them. If supporting you doesn’t fit into their schedule or benefit them in some way, they simply won’t be there. This behavior leaves you feeling abandoned and undervalued, as they consistently put their own needs and wants well above yours.
• Arrogance and Superiority: They tend to see themselves as superior, often looking down on you. They are quick to boast about their accomplishments and belittle yours, making you feel small and insignificant in comparison. They are also very good at setting others up for failure, so they can brag that only they can do a good job.
• Manipulation Tactics: They have a knack for twisting situations to their advantage. You might find yourself feeling guilty or confused, questioning your own reality. That’s their manipulation at work, subtly controlling you without you even realizing it.
• A Sense of Entitlement: They expect special treatment, acting as though they are owed something just for being who they are. They believe the world revolves around them, and you are just a supporting character in their story.
• Jealousy and Envy: They are often envious of others’ success or constantly comparing themselves to others. Their jealousy can make them spiteful and overly competitive, even with you.
• Isolation: Your relationships with others start to dwindle. Narcissists push you to cut ties with friends and family, isolating you so they can have more control. The more isolated you are, the easier it is for them to dominate your life.
• Never Truly Sorry: They are never the problem—at least, that’s what they want you to believe. If something goes wrong, it’s always your fault or someone else’s. They will never admit when they are wrong, and you will rarely, if ever, hear a genuine apology. They take no responsibility whatsoever. Even when they clearly hurt you, don’t expect a heartfelt apology. They might say the words “I’m sorry,” but it’s only to pacify you—not because they truly mean it. They avoid taking responsibility at all costs, leaving you to carry the emotional burden.
• Superficial Charm: Their charm can be incredibly convincing. They draw you in with affection, gifts, and sweet words. But remember, it’s all part of the act to keep you hooked and under their control.
Manipulative Patterns
These individuals rely on patterns that repeatedly cast themselves as the victim or the perfect partner, keeping you in a state of inferiority, guilt, insecurity, and submission. Whenever they sense that you are slipping away, they switch tactics—becoming super charming and affectionate to pull you back in. Alternatively, they may react with anger, aggression, or even violence, resorting to extreme gaslighting to maintain control through fear. Narcissistic behaviors can be confusing and harmful, but recognizing these signs is the first step to protecting yourself and reclaiming your boundaries.
However, with narcissists, just discussing your boundaries with them won’t be enough—it will only lead to more debates and gaslighting.
Not Everyone Is a Narcissist:
It’s important to understand that sometimes people who aren’t narcissistic may exhibit a few of the traits mentioned above. However, these behaviors are usually not consistent and can be a sign of temporary imbalance or stress. If you are worried that you might be a narcissist because you recognize some of these traits in yourself, the very fact that you are concerned is a strong indicator that you likely are not. Narcissists typically don’t reflect on their behavior or take responsibility for it, remember? Instead, they deny and dismiss any criticism, making it sound like it's you.
You Have Spotted a Narcissist in Your Relationship, Now What?
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist and you want out (I hope), it might help to know what to expect. Narcissists will often gaslight you in public, send numerous messages to manipulate you, and try to regain control by any means necessary. They may flood you with messages, blame you for the breakup, or even threaten to harm themselves or call the police on you (yeah, can you imagine...).
Now that you are better informed, you can recognize their tactics more clearly. This knowledge equips you to handle the situation more calmly, thus making you stronger already. Here are some scenarios you might encounter that they might use to either scare you or guilt you into crawling back to them:
1. Overwhelming Messages: After you have left, they might flood your phone with a barrage of messages. Similar to a mosquito that wants to bite you, relentlessly coming at you over and over. These can range from desperate pleas for you to come back, to manipulative threats, to blatant insults.
Their goal: They aim to wear you down emotionally, overwhelming you with messages until one sticks, so you'd feel compelled to respond or reconsider your decision. They want you to doubt yourself, feel guilty, or fear them, and stress you out to ultimately get you to return to them to stop the emotional assault.
Empowering perspective: When they lose control over someone, they tend to lose it completely. They get so destabilized not overpowering you anymore, that they reveal their true face, trying everything to make you cave. So all the messages they send, really look at them for what they really are– though, only read any of them when you are well grounded and centered, that way you won't take it personally or emotionally. Just use it to build up your case to protect you from them legally.
2. Threats and Aggression: Some narcissists may escalate to making threats, either to harm themselves, you or your loved ones, or to take drastic actions like calling the police. This is a scare tactic to make you fear the consequences of leaving them.
Their goal: They want to instill fear and make you feel like there is no safe way out, pushing you to return to them to avoid potential harm.
Empowering perspective: Remember that these threats are often empty and are meant to scare you into submission. Seek legal protection just to be on the safe side, and don’t hesitate to involve the authorities if you feel threatened. You have the right to protect yourself and stay safe.
3. Social Media Manipulation: They may take it to social media, posting messages or photos that paint them as the ideal partner—loving, devoted, and heartbroken. They aim to manipulate the public narrative, making it seem like you are the one in the wrong for leaving such a “perfect” person.
Their goal: They want to undermine your credibility, gain sympathy from mutual friends, and ultimately make you feel guilty and isolated. They are hoping that the judgment and shame from others will push you to reconsider your decision.
From another perspective: On the bright side, this situation could well serve as a natural filter for you. The people who go along with it without checking in with you are revealing themselves for who they truly are: toxic for being ready to judge and shame anyone like that. It’s a chance to let those people go.
4. Playing the Victim: They might tell mutual friends or family members that they are the victim of the breakup, spinning stories that paint you as the aggressor or as someone unstable. This is another way they may try to garner sympathy and turn people against you.
Their goal: They want to isolate you from your support network, making you feel like you have no one to turn to except them.
Empowering perspective: Remember, those who truly care about you will see through the manipulation. Focus on maintaining strong relationships with those who believe in you and support you unconditionally.
These scenarios are not predictable in how exactly they will play out, but they are common tactics used by narcissists to regain control. By understanding their motives and being prepared for these behaviors, you can better protect yourself and stand firm in your decision.
Remember, you have the power to reclaim your life, and there are people to stand by your side, including me. You are not alone, and you can navigate this with strength and clarity.
So, What to Do Next
My advice? Turn around and run like the wind, away from their grip!
Here’s how you can protect yourself:
1. Seek Legal Protection:
The first step is to go to the police and obtain a restraining order (or its equivalent) to legally protect yourself. It’s better to be prepared than sorry, and have this in place, just in case things escalate.
2. Block All Communication:
Block their number, and their profile on your social media accounts, and any other means they have to contact you. This is crucial because their messages will be designed to manipulate and gaslight you. So if you find it difficult not to read their messages, blocking them is the best way to protect yourself from being pulled back into their control.
3. Manage Your Exposure:
If you decide not to block them and still receive their messages, make sure you disable notifications and sounds. This will help you avoid the constant stress and anxiety of seeing their name pop up, or startle every time you get a notification. Only check messages when you feel calm, centered, and strong enough to not react to them. Remember, their goal is to destabilize you and pull you back into their web. I suggest you don't engage, you don't respond.
4. Document Everything:
If you choose to allow their messages, keep them for legal reasons only. Take screenshots and store them in a secure place where you won’t be tempted to revisit them. These can be useful if you need to present evidence to the police or your lawyer, especially if you’re going through a divorce or other legal proceedings.
5. Prioritize Your Health:
Constant exposure to their manipulative tactics can put you in a state of chronic stress, leading to physical and mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and other stress-related illnesses. Blocking their communication or managing how you proceed with their messages is a vital step in maintaining your well-being.
6. Seek Professional Support:
If you are married or in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, consult with a lawyer or advocate who can guide you through the legal steps necessary to protect yourself. Additionally, consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you recover from the emotional impact of the relationship.
Remember
You have already shown incredible strength by recognizing these patterns and taking steps to protect yourself. Now, it’s time to reclaim your life and peace of mind. You don’t have to navigate this alone—there are many possibilities awaiting you.
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With you every step of your way to your strength and worth,
Sabrina B. 🌷
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